The Exciting News Has Happened! !

We are pregnant! I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with Wayne and I's first baby, possibly only baby.

We have moved to irvine a d love it here. I have survived a couple rounds of layoffs at work and I think I am safe now.

Our current plan is for me to get my divorce finalized, eventually Wayne to pop the question, get married, Wayne to adopt Ember and we live happily ever after.

I really did not think I would ever want to get married again because of how the last run went. However, I realized that this relationship I have with Wayne is how it's supposed to be. You shouldn't have to fight for everything. Not everything should be a headache or a compromise. It should be easy and this is easy. I am so happy that someone loves me and my kid unconditionally as he does. He didn't even want kids before he met me. Guess I must be pretty amazing. Lol!!

Its been a year

Its pretty amazing what can happen in a year. So much has changed for the better in such a short amount of time.

The job I have is going pretty well. I am making pretty decent money.
Ember has been in school/daycare for about 6 months now in a place I absolutely love and that she is flourishing in. She has learned so much. She still is learning to behave and use her words rather than physical action, but its going to be a process and her teacher is really working on it with her which is so nice to have that additional support system.

Wayne and I are doing great, and will hopefully have some exciting news in the near future.

We are also moving to Irvine in a few weeks. Finally getting out of that wretched place they call Elsatoilet.

Back in March, Wayne and I went on an awesome cruise to Ensenada and it was a ton of fun. Relaxed and ate a ton and did Kareoke and visited the La Bufadora. All in all a much needed vacation.

My best friend is pregnant with her first son and I couldn't more excited for her!! Cant wait to meet baby James Aaron!

My other good guy friend had a baby and named him James as well.. Good name!

We took Ember camping for her first time to the lake and took Autumn with us. Really fun time and we stayed close to the apartment just in case Ember was having nothing to do with it. We told scary stories around the campfire. We will definitely be doing that again next summer.

For my birthday this year, Wayne and I went to Big Bear and stayed at his brothers super nice cabin. It was so much fun. Wayne's friends came up for the day with their daughter and then took Ember home with them to allow Wayne and I some alone time. Was so nice of them. Wayne got me a tatoo for my birthday and I now have a design of Ember's name on my wrist. I love it so much. Melissa and I designed it a few years ago with Ember was just a baby.

I will upload some pics of all the fun we have had this summer.

Til next time! Ciao

Damara Gray's invitation is awaiting your response

Damara Gray would like to connect on LinkedIn. How would you like to respond? Damara Gray Escrow and Title Curative Assistant Confirm you know Damara You received an invitation to connect. LinkedIn will use your email address to make suggestions to our members in features like People You May Know. Unsubscribe If you need assistance or have questions, please contact LinkedIn Customer Service.

I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn

I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn. - Damara Confirm that you know Damara Damara Gray Escrow and Title Curative Assistant Orange County, California Area You received an invitation to connect. LinkedIn will use your email address to make suggestions to our members in features like People You May Know. Unsubscribe Learn why we included this. If you need assistance or have questions, please contact LinkedIn Customer Service.

Bubble baths and things having nothing to do with them

I'm laying in a bubble bath after an especially frustrating day at work. The fucking water in my bath smells so amazing like lemon cookies. Two things wrong here: Bath and Body works doesn't make this scent any more and the water is slowly draining... gaw! Which means I will have to return to real life soon. I don't take me time too much anymore, and it's really nice of the bf to grant me this, however shortlived it might feel.
Update since the last blog entry: I ended up finding a job in Anaheim hills pretty quickly. I took a severe pay cut but at least it was something coming in. The commute was terrible and I was in general not a happy person. About a month later, I got offered a much better job, with alot more pay and a better commute into tustin. I take the ortega now, which is beautiful and a lot less road rage inducing. It doesn't take me 3 hours to get home a Friday from this job.
This new job is good and I got a raise after being there for only three weeks. Not too shabby!

Things are definitely better. Still have to get Ember into day care. As of right now the bf is watching her while I work.  I've got to get her into day care so he can get a job too. We are afloat, but just barely. I'm gonna try to pay off my truck with my taxes if I can. That will free up a grip of money every month.

Ember has since turned three! She's as big as a 5 year old, too. She is adorable, but also a little punk. She doesn't listen and she is definitely in the horrible threes. I'm hoping day care will calm her down. We had a princess party and some of her new friends showed up to play with her. So cute!

As frustrated as I am with her dad right now, he definitely gave me something precious. He needs to sign the damn papers already!!!!
I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm happy with someone else.

....back to reality and the water is getting colder..

This Year Has Been Amazeballs

This year has been all about change. Change of jobs, significant others, locations, etc.
All of it has been good in the end, with exception to where we live.
Our roof was leaking so bad that it was raining in our living room. The roof had to be completely replaced and there was black mold everywhere... Just love where we live.

Since my last post, when I was unemployed and broke, I found a job with an attorney's office. I liked working there a lot, however the commute and the pay was not where I needed it to be. I have since gone to another job and now work for another escrow company, with a better commute and more money. I like my job. It is challenging and I like the people I work with. I got a call from the owner directly, telling me I am doing an amazing job and she appreciates how hard I work. She even gave me a raise. I had only been here for 3 weeks at that time! Good stuff.

Ember has since turned 3. She is the biggest three year old I have ever seen. She is the size of a 5 year old and has the attitude of a prepubesent boy. Ugh. She is definitely holding onto her terrible two, for sure.

We just graduated her from her toddler bed to a full size bed, complete with Doc McStuffins sheets. She LOVES it!

Finally got rid of my wedding rings, after trying for a long time to find the right price to sell it for.
We were pretty desperate for money at the time that I sold it, so it came at the right time.

Things are looking up, but its gonna be a while before I am completly caught up on everything. I need to pay for several things for my vehicle and I am putting a ton of miles on my truck with my commute over the Ortega every morning and night.

Things with Wayne and I are great. We havent fought and its been a year since we started dating. CRAZY. its just so easy being with him. I love him.

This next year can only get better. Going to get Ember into day care and then Wayne can get a job. Then we are moving out of God-forsaken Lake Elsinore and back to Orange County.

Some pics of the stuff we have done recently:

Our Life at The Moment

Currently, we are moved into the new, nasty apartment. Pretty much everything that was promised to us by management, has been bullshit. Nothing was as they said it was. Super disappointing and super unprofessional. This shit would not fly if we were in the O.C.
Got some shitty news, too. My past employer that I quit at, appealed EDD's decision to grant me unemployment and they won the appeal hearing. I am not working, nor am I receiving unemployment benefits. Freaking out does not begin to explain where my head is it. Financially, as always, I am in a place where I am screwed. I am not sure why my luck has always been so shitty with money. My best friend told me on the phone last night, that I am one of the smartest and talented people she knows. If that's the case, then why am I always in such a shitty predicament, financially?  I work and I am good at every job I have had, Of course, I only take jobs in the industry I know, and I have been laid off sooooo many times. I just need a break. Life needs to look in my favor for once.
I finally did the (unfortunately) financially responsible thing and moved to a more affordable area. Now, I cant find a job and the opportunities I have been presented with are so far away, its almost not even worth it.
I want to be independent. I don't want to depend of the county and family for help. Everyone is in need sometime, I know. But for me, I want to just do it myself. I am THIRTY FUCKING YEARS OLD NOW! Shouldn't I have my shit together by now? I need to keep it together for  my kid, but all I want to do is sleep all day and pretend its not happening.
Wayne coming into my life when he did, is probably one of the biggest blessings I have ever gotten. The support and love he has provided to my daughter and I is not one that someone would expect. He came into an impossible situation and has managed to stick it through with me and be the best boyfriend ever. I've decided I am keeping him. That is that.

I know there are opportunities out there for us. I just need to keep my head up and find them. I have a couple of great friends feeding me leads and resources and for that, I am super grateful.

On a side note, my sewing machine was acting up and the tension and bobbin thread kept getting fucked up. I was quoted $70 to get it serviced and fixed. Tonight, I decided to really try to do it myself. I Youtubed that shit, and guess what, that bitch is working perfect like the day I dropped a grip of money on her.
So, I am available for sewing jobs now. Woot!
Also just finished setting up our craft area. I've got my sewing area and Wayne's art area, instead of a dining room. Who eats at their kitchen table anymore, anyway?

I should really get to bed, but this is somewhat therapeutic, just getting my thoughts out while everyone is sleeping.
Oh Yeah! I just turned THIRTY FUCKING YEARS OLD and had a big party before we moved. It was a ton of fun and I am so glad so many people came out to celebrate with me. Pics below. I was pretty wasted by the end of it. LOL. One of my best friends even planned with our other bestie and flew our from San Francisco for my birthday. So happy to see her and everyone else!!!

New HOME

On September 12th, 2014, Wayne, Dad, Rex, and I loaded up the Budget truck with everything from my house and all Wayne 's stuff from his house. It took forever and was one of the hottest weekends of the summer. The next day, we drove to the new place  in Elsinore and we're ready to unpack the truck. Ten of us were there to unpack. We go to sign the lease and the apartment is trashed. The walls are terrible, the cabinets have bad water damage, the place wasn't clean, the closet rails were broken, cabinets weren't shutting. You name it, it was jacked up. We have to wait a couple days for them to fix everything.  The place blows, but we don't have any choice. We got all moved in for the most part. Still have a couple things left at the old place.

We don't want to live here, it's so hot and it's dry and there's nothing to do out here!
I'm a city girl. Take me back!

We are just going to make the best of it and make it ours. It's been fun playing sleepover all the time, but this is the real thing. Love it.

Busy weekend!

What I thought was going to be a ho hum weekend, turned out to be super fun.

Sarurday, Wayne and I took Ember and Autumn hiking at O'Neal Park. Was super pretty out and we went about two miles up, total.
It was hot out, but really pretty. 

Sunday, we went to Alertos for breakfast and headed to the Irvine transportation center. We took the bus to the Orange County Fair. They have an awesome deal going on where you can take the bus round trip for 4.00 and get into the fair for 3 dollars. You mean I don't have to pay fornparking, walk 5 blocks to get in, and the tickets to get in are cheaper? 
Had such a great time. My favorite part was in the butterfly tent. We had these beautiful butterflies all around us. I had bought a cow girl hat, and the butterflies loved landing on it. I had 6 butterflies on me at one time. Ember had a blast in there. They landed in her hair and on her hand. Such huge smiles!
She went on a couple rides and Wayne won her some stuffed animals. Walked around a lot. My feet hurt.
Ended the day in the jacuzzi.
Wonderful weekend with my two loves.

Still pinching myself and having thoughts i shouldn't.

I need to be divorced already.

I Deserve Better Than That Shit!

So the job I got back in January was great for a couple months. It's almost like something just flipped overnight and it became a nightmare. 

My boss was very harried in all aspects of his life. He hand too many things going on and a bitchy attorney as a wife. All of this cause him to create so much havoc for me his assistant, that he made me crazy stressed out all the time. He would tell me to do things as emergencies, and so I would drop other things and do that item, and then he wouldn't even look at the results for over a week or two and then would ask me for it and it will have sat unread in his email. The communication. Was terrible and cause too much stress. He also expected me to work from home without pay. He wouldnt explain how to do things and would expect me to research it and then would bitch about how long it took to complete. If he would have just explained things to me, it wouldn't have taken so long. He was very unclear about a lot of things. That's why I quit. Last tuesday, I up and left on my lunch and have not looked back. 

So i am looking for a job again, in the same field, for better money. I need to move in September and need to be ale to hack it on my own with no help. Her dad isn't helping at all and it's not going to be pretty when I move. 

So things will be changing soon. Can't say too much about it, but things are in the works. All for the better. 

Everything else is good. Ember is growing like a weed, totally in the terrible twos and is destroying my house. Wayne is the best boyfriend  ever and I am head over heels. 

Love Is In The Air!

I'm in love! and I couldn't be any happier.
He finally told me he loved me the other night. It was very sweet. We talked about how we had felt it for a while but he was worried about the timing and how I might react because I am still married and scared of getting hurt because I had moved too quickly in the past. It was very sweet of him and understanding of the situation. I have been very lucky that he has been so understanding of the sensitivity of every aspect of the situation, since the beginning.
He has had experiences in his life (mainly others around him) that have helped him to be so understanding and so good with Ember, and I am very grateful for that.
He doesn't have any children of his own, but is so good with Ember and knows the next step before I even do it and it right there helping me along the way.
We were talking the other night and I think I may have been frustrated at the time (I think). I basically said that being a single mom blows, and he didn't say anything for a minute. As soon as I said that, I felt horrible, because Wayne is so much a help with her and so involved, when it really isn't his responsibility.  He was like, well, you aren't exactly a single mom.. And I apologized. I felt bad.
It isn't every day that you have someone fall into your lap that is so understanding and so on the same page and compatible with you. Especially when you are at the end of a marriage and working on getting divorced and a small child is involved. It just doesn't happen. I pinch myself sometimes in disbelief.
All in all, I am happy. There are only a few more things that would make my life completely satiated. All in good time. No rush.

Sickies

Ember and mommy are sickies with a viral infection. She came home from her Aunty and cousin's house with pink eye and ear infections and a cold. she ended up having fevers as well. Took her to the er and got the good meds. It's a week later and she is still sick with the cold and a knarly cough. I have the cold and cough too. This is the second time I have been sick with this in a month. We ended up going to the er again this morning and they ran a chest X-ray on me to check for pneumonia. They thought because inhale to back to back colds, that I may have pneumonia. Thankfully, I do not and we both just have to let our colds run their course.

Unfortunately, we will be missing out on Draven's birthday party this weekend. Hopefully we will feel better and can do something fun this weekend. 

I am thankful that my boss has three kids and is super involved in their lives, because he understands me staying home with her today. 

Wayne is either sick too, or has bad allergies. Either way, we all feel like poo. 

Awesomesauce

Lately, life has gotten so much better. I used to sit around and not do a whole lot because my husband was a recluse. I am the total opposite of that. I always worried that I wasn't allowing Ember to experience as much as she deserved.

For the past 3 weekends, we have been going all over the place doing fun things with her. We have gone to Santa Monica Pacific Park and ridden roller coasters. We have gone to the Zoo at Irvine Railroad park and rented one of those huge bike things. We have gone hiking at Oneil Park. I am so happy that my boyfriend is someone who is active in his life and loves to do things. I am the exact same way, but haven't been able to truly be myself for so long. It's so refreshing and I am so glad that Ember isn't being robbed of fun.

 Pacific Pier, Santa Monica

 Ember on a roller coaster

 Ember on another roller coaster

 OC Zoo

 OC Zoo

  OC Zoo

 Surrey Bike. Ember loved it. We almost didnt make it up a hill. These things are hard to peddle. 

 Ember in her pads for her tricycle

 Ember's first time using a water fountain

 Wayne and Ember on the Queen Mary. We went to the Scottish Festival there. 

Wayne and I's first ever picture together. 

I am loving my life for the first time in a long time. I am kind of just waiting for the ball to drop. 

Officially filed for divorce with the courts today. Feeling good about it. Just want it to be over with. I have no plans of marrying or having more babies any time soon, but it would be nice to just not be legally tied to him anymore. 

Ramblings of a tired mama

Here I am, sitting in my messy ass room, thinking I should really do something about all this laundry. I have so much to do, that I don't even know where to start. That has kind of been my theme lately. I have so much to do, but don't do any of it. I end up retreating into my boyfriends arms, or into my bed and do nothing. 

Between feeling like this at work and home, it's exhausting. I need to make lists so I can just check them off one by one. It works for me at my job, so it should work at home too! Hopefully. 

Life is good other than that. I got a couple new sewing jobs. I need to finish one for a client, but it is a scheduling issue. I can't wait until its finished though. It's going to be awesome. 

I really need to look into daycare for Ember. She really needs to be around kids. She is learning so many new words every day. It makes me feel bad that her dad doesn't see her and see all these amazing moments. But, I guess he is getting what he set himself up for. So be it. I am not the one keeping her from him. 

I filled out the paperwork for the divorce last Saturday. I need to make an appnt for signing the papers so they can be sent off to him to be signed as well. Fun stuff! Not. At least it's not as crazy expensive as I thought it was going to be. 

Gotta find a place to move in September. Probably going to need to find a room mate if anyone is interested in living in Lake forest or the surrounding cities. 

I have also come to the conclusion that I do much better not in the corporate environment. I like this small office stuff. With exception to the no paid holidays and benefits aspects. 

Alas, I think i am going to get off my rear and clean a bit before Ember wakes up. 

I AM ME

On the way home from Del Taco tonight, I had a thought. 

I am not that horrible woman I was forced to be when I was married. 

I was forced to be controlling, overbearing, bitchy and generally unpleasant. 

I worried that that was who I had become. Even though I didn't like it one bit, I had to be that way to protect my world. 

I realized that I was all those things just to keep my husband from fucking up more than he already was. I cant even imagine how much worse things could have been had I not put my foot down all the time. I feel like I was forced to be his mom, rather than his wife. 

Tis so sad that hindsight is twenty twenty. I married a little boy. I really did love him. For a long time. But that only lasts so long when you are forced to be someone you aren't, and your marriage is so one sided. 

I am glad that those unsavory habits left me when I asked him to leave. 

I catch myself being carefree, happy, better to my kid and my friends. I am so glad that the crazy me is gone. 

Literally all his friends hated me thinking that I was the most controlling bitch ever. I never wanted to be that person. He would have died from a DUI and probably killed someone else. The amount of stupid decisions that were deflected, is astronomical. 

Anyways. I am glad I am who I am without him. Just a random thought. Having lots of them lately. 

A New Me

Ever since Erik has moved out, a sense of calmness has taken over me. I'm more positive, less stressed out and generally a lot happier (I'm sure the boyfriend has someone to do with that.)

I have felt the need for awhile to reinvent myself in some ways. 

So far, I have lost twenty pounds, cut about seven inches off my hair, joined a gym, and got a boyfriend. 

The weight loss is something that I have been struggling with for a long time, and I am finally doing something about it. It's encouraging that friends of mine are telling me that I look good and look happier. 

I didn't realize how much a toll my fucked up marriage took on my health, attitude and appearance. I am glad I finally had enough and decided to let go of it. 

It's going to be a long road with the divorce, custody and child support, but so far it's worth every second. 

I am enjoying my life for the most part, and I hope that it's making a positive impact on Ember as well. 

Update as of 2/17/2014

Where to even begin.

Well, Erik and I have decided to get divorced. Things have been bad for a long time and we finally gave up. Rather than let Ember see us fighting constantly and letting her think that was okay. We decided she would be happier with us separate and seeing us happy, then having an example that she would think would be the norm and the possibility of her being in a relationship like that.

The separation got nasty for a while, but is starting to calm down now. Thank God.
Erik will have her two weekends a month, at his request. He just needs to have a stable living environment before that can start.
We have both moved on. We both have significant others. I cant speak for him, but I am definitely happier.
It's very relieving to not have to constantly be watching over someone else's decisions for fear that they wont be logical and will screw us over somehow.

I was laid off from my job on November 15th, 2013 and just finally found another one two weeks ago.
I am now an assistant to a real estate broker who mainly deals with probate properties and estates.
I like the job, because it challenges me. A lot left to learn. Just got to soak it all up like a sponge.

Other than that, Ember is growing like crazy. She is only two and is wearing a 3T and size 7 toddler shoes. I am starting to potty train her. I finally got her off the bottle by just throwing it away one day and not giving her another one. That was about two weeks ago and she only asks for it every once in awhile.

My dad is still my manny. He takes care of her while I work and occasionally when I play softball or shinai.

I need people to start having babies. I miss having them around, and I am definitely not getting to have another one any time soon. Chop chop people!

That's all for now. I should really be sleeping, but I wanted to check this off my mental to do list.
Chao

Birth Story, continued.

By this time, you know how she was born and that he ended up in the NICU.
Continued: My daughter was born after going to the delivery room and trying to push for two hours. This whole time, including the hours leading up to it, my family is in the waiting room, having traveled from hours away. My family and my three friends. When Rachel and Melissa got sick of waiting, they busted through the nurses station to get to my room. They came in right after I delivered her. Literally a couple mins later.

Melissa, Rachel, Ember and I. 

Once Ember was born, the nurses took her and weighed her. I was able to get off the table right away and go watch them weigh her and take her measurements. \I shouldn't have been able to get off the bed, but because my epidural had worn off completely, I could feel my legs and just got up. The doctor was shocked. 

Once they had weighed her, they took her blood and checked her in the nursery. They brought her back to me to nurse to get some colostrum to see if that would help her blood sugar levels. It didn't help, so they went and gave her formula.  That didn't help either. They ended up taking her to the NICU and hooked her up to a sugar drip and a feeding tube. 

My family didn't even get to see her because they rushed her off so fast. 

Nobody ever expects their child to be in the NICU when their entire pregnancy was a breeze and they took care of themselves. Literally all I could do was hold her fingers through the glass the whole first day. The next day the hospital released me and I would end up going home to pump and the driving back and feeding her every three hours for the next 6 days. 

Ember's heart rate had dropped during one of her feedings, which is what caused her to be in there for an additional five days. Her blood sugar had evened out after a few days and she could have gone home then, had her heart rate not dropped. 

She ended up becoming severely jaundiced while in the NICU and had to be put under a UV blanket to make it clear up, so she could come home with us. 

Mommy holding Ember just post delivery, before they took her blood and took her off to the NICU

Melissa holding Ember for the first time in the NICU

Auntie Rachel (Ember's Godmom) holding Ember

Mommy being upset that her baby was in the NICU and couldn't go home

Daddy feeding Ember, while she holds Mommy's hand

Ember was jaundiced and had to be in a UV blanket for a day

more UV blanket

Daddy holding Ember in the NICU

Ember with her IVs and feeding tube

Angelic, even hooked up to IVs

Daddy burping Ember

Papa Jay holding Ember for the first time

\

We finally got to bring her home on November 16th in the morning, We truly had some of the best nurses and doctors that a baby could ever need. We were blessed to have her at Fountain Valley Hospital. (I was also born there, as well as several other family members.)

                                      

The handoff. She was free to go home!

First car ride in Daddy's Grandfathers truck

Ember meets her brothers, Rito and Bean

Finally home with all my babies

First time in her crib

Many more firsts to blog about. It has taken me over two years to finally finish this aspect of the birth story. If this is any indication of when I will get around to the rest, the dont hold your breath. I am going to write another short update right now, but not about Ember. A lot has changed in the last two years of our lives.