I AM ME

On the way home from Del Taco tonight, I had a thought. 

I am not that horrible woman I was forced to be when I was married. 

I was forced to be controlling, overbearing, bitchy and generally unpleasant. 

I worried that that was who I had become. Even though I didn't like it one bit, I had to be that way to protect my world. 

I realized that I was all those things just to keep my husband from fucking up more than he already was. I cant even imagine how much worse things could have been had I not put my foot down all the time. I feel like I was forced to be his mom, rather than his wife. 

Tis so sad that hindsight is twenty twenty. I married a little boy. I really did love him. For a long time. But that only lasts so long when you are forced to be someone you aren't, and your marriage is so one sided. 

I am glad that those unsavory habits left me when I asked him to leave. 

I catch myself being carefree, happy, better to my kid and my friends. I am so glad that the crazy me is gone. 

Literally all his friends hated me thinking that I was the most controlling bitch ever. I never wanted to be that person. He would have died from a DUI and probably killed someone else. The amount of stupid decisions that were deflected, is astronomical. 

Anyways. I am glad I am who I am without him. Just a random thought. Having lots of them lately. 

A New Me

Ever since Erik has moved out, a sense of calmness has taken over me. I'm more positive, less stressed out and generally a lot happier (I'm sure the boyfriend has someone to do with that.)

I have felt the need for awhile to reinvent myself in some ways. 

So far, I have lost twenty pounds, cut about seven inches off my hair, joined a gym, and got a boyfriend. 

The weight loss is something that I have been struggling with for a long time, and I am finally doing something about it. It's encouraging that friends of mine are telling me that I look good and look happier. 

I didn't realize how much a toll my fucked up marriage took on my health, attitude and appearance. I am glad I finally had enough and decided to let go of it. 

It's going to be a long road with the divorce, custody and child support, but so far it's worth every second. 

I am enjoying my life for the most part, and I hope that it's making a positive impact on Ember as well. 

Update as of 2/17/2014

Where to even begin.

Well, Erik and I have decided to get divorced. Things have been bad for a long time and we finally gave up. Rather than let Ember see us fighting constantly and letting her think that was okay. We decided she would be happier with us separate and seeing us happy, then having an example that she would think would be the norm and the possibility of her being in a relationship like that.

The separation got nasty for a while, but is starting to calm down now. Thank God.
Erik will have her two weekends a month, at his request. He just needs to have a stable living environment before that can start.
We have both moved on. We both have significant others. I cant speak for him, but I am definitely happier.
It's very relieving to not have to constantly be watching over someone else's decisions for fear that they wont be logical and will screw us over somehow.

I was laid off from my job on November 15th, 2013 and just finally found another one two weeks ago.
I am now an assistant to a real estate broker who mainly deals with probate properties and estates.
I like the job, because it challenges me. A lot left to learn. Just got to soak it all up like a sponge.

Other than that, Ember is growing like crazy. She is only two and is wearing a 3T and size 7 toddler shoes. I am starting to potty train her. I finally got her off the bottle by just throwing it away one day and not giving her another one. That was about two weeks ago and she only asks for it every once in awhile.

My dad is still my manny. He takes care of her while I work and occasionally when I play softball or shinai.

I need people to start having babies. I miss having them around, and I am definitely not getting to have another one any time soon. Chop chop people!

That's all for now. I should really be sleeping, but I wanted to check this off my mental to do list.
Chao

Birth Story, continued.

By this time, you know how she was born and that he ended up in the NICU.
Continued: My daughter was born after going to the delivery room and trying to push for two hours. This whole time, including the hours leading up to it, my family is in the waiting room, having traveled from hours away. My family and my three friends. When Rachel and Melissa got sick of waiting, they busted through the nurses station to get to my room. They came in right after I delivered her. Literally a couple mins later.

Melissa, Rachel, Ember and I. 

Once Ember was born, the nurses took her and weighed her. I was able to get off the table right away and go watch them weigh her and take her measurements. \I shouldn't have been able to get off the bed, but because my epidural had worn off completely, I could feel my legs and just got up. The doctor was shocked. 

Once they had weighed her, they took her blood and checked her in the nursery. They brought her back to me to nurse to get some colostrum to see if that would help her blood sugar levels. It didn't help, so they went and gave her formula.  That didn't help either. They ended up taking her to the NICU and hooked her up to a sugar drip and a feeding tube. 

My family didn't even get to see her because they rushed her off so fast. 

Nobody ever expects their child to be in the NICU when their entire pregnancy was a breeze and they took care of themselves. Literally all I could do was hold her fingers through the glass the whole first day. The next day the hospital released me and I would end up going home to pump and the driving back and feeding her every three hours for the next 6 days. 

Ember's heart rate had dropped during one of her feedings, which is what caused her to be in there for an additional five days. Her blood sugar had evened out after a few days and she could have gone home then, had her heart rate not dropped. 

She ended up becoming severely jaundiced while in the NICU and had to be put under a UV blanket to make it clear up, so she could come home with us. 

Mommy holding Ember just post delivery, before they took her blood and took her off to the NICU

Melissa holding Ember for the first time in the NICU

Auntie Rachel (Ember's Godmom) holding Ember

Mommy being upset that her baby was in the NICU and couldn't go home

Daddy feeding Ember, while she holds Mommy's hand

Ember was jaundiced and had to be in a UV blanket for a day

more UV blanket

Daddy holding Ember in the NICU

Ember with her IVs and feeding tube

Angelic, even hooked up to IVs

Daddy burping Ember

Papa Jay holding Ember for the first time

\

We finally got to bring her home on November 16th in the morning, We truly had some of the best nurses and doctors that a baby could ever need. We were blessed to have her at Fountain Valley Hospital. (I was also born there, as well as several other family members.)

                                      

The handoff. She was free to go home!

First car ride in Daddy's Grandfathers truck

Ember meets her brothers, Rito and Bean

Finally home with all my babies

First time in her crib

Many more firsts to blog about. It has taken me over two years to finally finish this aspect of the birth story. If this is any indication of when I will get around to the rest, the dont hold your breath. I am going to write another short update right now, but not about Ember. A lot has changed in the last two years of our lives.