Love Is In The Air!

I'm in love! and I couldn't be any happier.
He finally told me he loved me the other night. It was very sweet. We talked about how we had felt it for a while but he was worried about the timing and how I might react because I am still married and scared of getting hurt because I had moved too quickly in the past. It was very sweet of him and understanding of the situation. I have been very lucky that he has been so understanding of the sensitivity of every aspect of the situation, since the beginning.
He has had experiences in his life (mainly others around him) that have helped him to be so understanding and so good with Ember, and I am very grateful for that.
He doesn't have any children of his own, but is so good with Ember and knows the next step before I even do it and it right there helping me along the way.
We were talking the other night and I think I may have been frustrated at the time (I think). I basically said that being a single mom blows, and he didn't say anything for a minute. As soon as I said that, I felt horrible, because Wayne is so much a help with her and so involved, when it really isn't his responsibility.  He was like, well, you aren't exactly a single mom.. And I apologized. I felt bad.
It isn't every day that you have someone fall into your lap that is so understanding and so on the same page and compatible with you. Especially when you are at the end of a marriage and working on getting divorced and a small child is involved. It just doesn't happen. I pinch myself sometimes in disbelief.
All in all, I am happy. There are only a few more things that would make my life completely satiated. All in good time. No rush.

Sickies

Ember and mommy are sickies with a viral infection. She came home from her Aunty and cousin's house with pink eye and ear infections and a cold. she ended up having fevers as well. Took her to the er and got the good meds. It's a week later and she is still sick with the cold and a knarly cough. I have the cold and cough too. This is the second time I have been sick with this in a month. We ended up going to the er again this morning and they ran a chest X-ray on me to check for pneumonia. They thought because inhale to back to back colds, that I may have pneumonia. Thankfully, I do not and we both just have to let our colds run their course.

Unfortunately, we will be missing out on Draven's birthday party this weekend. Hopefully we will feel better and can do something fun this weekend. 

I am thankful that my boss has three kids and is super involved in their lives, because he understands me staying home with her today. 

Wayne is either sick too, or has bad allergies. Either way, we all feel like poo. 

Awesomesauce

Lately, life has gotten so much better. I used to sit around and not do a whole lot because my husband was a recluse. I am the total opposite of that. I always worried that I wasn't allowing Ember to experience as much as she deserved.

For the past 3 weekends, we have been going all over the place doing fun things with her. We have gone to Santa Monica Pacific Park and ridden roller coasters. We have gone to the Zoo at Irvine Railroad park and rented one of those huge bike things. We have gone hiking at Oneil Park. I am so happy that my boyfriend is someone who is active in his life and loves to do things. I am the exact same way, but haven't been able to truly be myself for so long. It's so refreshing and I am so glad that Ember isn't being robbed of fun.

 Pacific Pier, Santa Monica

 Ember on a roller coaster

 Ember on another roller coaster

 OC Zoo

 OC Zoo

  OC Zoo

 Surrey Bike. Ember loved it. We almost didnt make it up a hill. These things are hard to peddle. 

 Ember in her pads for her tricycle

 Ember's first time using a water fountain

 Wayne and Ember on the Queen Mary. We went to the Scottish Festival there. 

Wayne and I's first ever picture together. 

I am loving my life for the first time in a long time. I am kind of just waiting for the ball to drop. 

Officially filed for divorce with the courts today. Feeling good about it. Just want it to be over with. I have no plans of marrying or having more babies any time soon, but it would be nice to just not be legally tied to him anymore. 

Ramblings of a tired mama

Here I am, sitting in my messy ass room, thinking I should really do something about all this laundry. I have so much to do, that I don't even know where to start. That has kind of been my theme lately. I have so much to do, but don't do any of it. I end up retreating into my boyfriends arms, or into my bed and do nothing. 

Between feeling like this at work and home, it's exhausting. I need to make lists so I can just check them off one by one. It works for me at my job, so it should work at home too! Hopefully. 

Life is good other than that. I got a couple new sewing jobs. I need to finish one for a client, but it is a scheduling issue. I can't wait until its finished though. It's going to be awesome. 

I really need to look into daycare for Ember. She really needs to be around kids. She is learning so many new words every day. It makes me feel bad that her dad doesn't see her and see all these amazing moments. But, I guess he is getting what he set himself up for. So be it. I am not the one keeping her from him. 

I filled out the paperwork for the divorce last Saturday. I need to make an appnt for signing the papers so they can be sent off to him to be signed as well. Fun stuff! Not. At least it's not as crazy expensive as I thought it was going to be. 

Gotta find a place to move in September. Probably going to need to find a room mate if anyone is interested in living in Lake forest or the surrounding cities. 

I have also come to the conclusion that I do much better not in the corporate environment. I like this small office stuff. With exception to the no paid holidays and benefits aspects. 

Alas, I think i am going to get off my rear and clean a bit before Ember wakes up. 

I AM ME

On the way home from Del Taco tonight, I had a thought. 

I am not that horrible woman I was forced to be when I was married. 

I was forced to be controlling, overbearing, bitchy and generally unpleasant. 

I worried that that was who I had become. Even though I didn't like it one bit, I had to be that way to protect my world. 

I realized that I was all those things just to keep my husband from fucking up more than he already was. I cant even imagine how much worse things could have been had I not put my foot down all the time. I feel like I was forced to be his mom, rather than his wife. 

Tis so sad that hindsight is twenty twenty. I married a little boy. I really did love him. For a long time. But that only lasts so long when you are forced to be someone you aren't, and your marriage is so one sided. 

I am glad that those unsavory habits left me when I asked him to leave. 

I catch myself being carefree, happy, better to my kid and my friends. I am so glad that the crazy me is gone. 

Literally all his friends hated me thinking that I was the most controlling bitch ever. I never wanted to be that person. He would have died from a DUI and probably killed someone else. The amount of stupid decisions that were deflected, is astronomical. 

Anyways. I am glad I am who I am without him. Just a random thought. Having lots of them lately. 

A New Me

Ever since Erik has moved out, a sense of calmness has taken over me. I'm more positive, less stressed out and generally a lot happier (I'm sure the boyfriend has someone to do with that.)

I have felt the need for awhile to reinvent myself in some ways. 

So far, I have lost twenty pounds, cut about seven inches off my hair, joined a gym, and got a boyfriend. 

The weight loss is something that I have been struggling with for a long time, and I am finally doing something about it. It's encouraging that friends of mine are telling me that I look good and look happier. 

I didn't realize how much a toll my fucked up marriage took on my health, attitude and appearance. I am glad I finally had enough and decided to let go of it. 

It's going to be a long road with the divorce, custody and child support, but so far it's worth every second. 

I am enjoying my life for the most part, and I hope that it's making a positive impact on Ember as well. 

Update as of 2/17/2014

Where to even begin.

Well, Erik and I have decided to get divorced. Things have been bad for a long time and we finally gave up. Rather than let Ember see us fighting constantly and letting her think that was okay. We decided she would be happier with us separate and seeing us happy, then having an example that she would think would be the norm and the possibility of her being in a relationship like that.

The separation got nasty for a while, but is starting to calm down now. Thank God.
Erik will have her two weekends a month, at his request. He just needs to have a stable living environment before that can start.
We have both moved on. We both have significant others. I cant speak for him, but I am definitely happier.
It's very relieving to not have to constantly be watching over someone else's decisions for fear that they wont be logical and will screw us over somehow.

I was laid off from my job on November 15th, 2013 and just finally found another one two weeks ago.
I am now an assistant to a real estate broker who mainly deals with probate properties and estates.
I like the job, because it challenges me. A lot left to learn. Just got to soak it all up like a sponge.

Other than that, Ember is growing like crazy. She is only two and is wearing a 3T and size 7 toddler shoes. I am starting to potty train her. I finally got her off the bottle by just throwing it away one day and not giving her another one. That was about two weeks ago and she only asks for it every once in awhile.

My dad is still my manny. He takes care of her while I work and occasionally when I play softball or shinai.

I need people to start having babies. I miss having them around, and I am definitely not getting to have another one any time soon. Chop chop people!

That's all for now. I should really be sleeping, but I wanted to check this off my mental to do list.
Chao

Birth Story, continued.

By this time, you know how she was born and that he ended up in the NICU.
Continued: My daughter was born after going to the delivery room and trying to push for two hours. This whole time, including the hours leading up to it, my family is in the waiting room, having traveled from hours away. My family and my three friends. When Rachel and Melissa got sick of waiting, they busted through the nurses station to get to my room. They came in right after I delivered her. Literally a couple mins later.

Melissa, Rachel, Ember and I. 

Once Ember was born, the nurses took her and weighed her. I was able to get off the table right away and go watch them weigh her and take her measurements. \I shouldn't have been able to get off the bed, but because my epidural had worn off completely, I could feel my legs and just got up. The doctor was shocked. 

Once they had weighed her, they took her blood and checked her in the nursery. They brought her back to me to nurse to get some colostrum to see if that would help her blood sugar levels. It didn't help, so they went and gave her formula.  That didn't help either. They ended up taking her to the NICU and hooked her up to a sugar drip and a feeding tube. 

My family didn't even get to see her because they rushed her off so fast. 

Nobody ever expects their child to be in the NICU when their entire pregnancy was a breeze and they took care of themselves. Literally all I could do was hold her fingers through the glass the whole first day. The next day the hospital released me and I would end up going home to pump and the driving back and feeding her every three hours for the next 6 days. 

Ember's heart rate had dropped during one of her feedings, which is what caused her to be in there for an additional five days. Her blood sugar had evened out after a few days and she could have gone home then, had her heart rate not dropped. 

She ended up becoming severely jaundiced while in the NICU and had to be put under a UV blanket to make it clear up, so she could come home with us. 

Mommy holding Ember just post delivery, before they took her blood and took her off to the NICU

Melissa holding Ember for the first time in the NICU

Auntie Rachel (Ember's Godmom) holding Ember

Mommy being upset that her baby was in the NICU and couldn't go home

Daddy feeding Ember, while she holds Mommy's hand

Ember was jaundiced and had to be in a UV blanket for a day

more UV blanket

Daddy holding Ember in the NICU

Ember with her IVs and feeding tube

Angelic, even hooked up to IVs

Daddy burping Ember

Papa Jay holding Ember for the first time

\

We finally got to bring her home on November 16th in the morning, We truly had some of the best nurses and doctors that a baby could ever need. We were blessed to have her at Fountain Valley Hospital. (I was also born there, as well as several other family members.)

                                      

The handoff. She was free to go home!

First car ride in Daddy's Grandfathers truck

Ember meets her brothers, Rito and Bean

Finally home with all my babies

First time in her crib

Many more firsts to blog about. It has taken me over two years to finally finish this aspect of the birth story. If this is any indication of when I will get around to the rest, the dont hold your breath. I am going to write another short update right now, but not about Ember. A lot has changed in the last two years of our lives. 

Our Birth Story (graphic)

Finally going to update this. Its only been 7 months, and Ember is 6 months old already!

Two weeks before I give birth, Erik gets laid off from his job. The asshole that hired him basically hired him to clean up and organize his warehouse and once Erik was done with that, they laid him off. Can you say, Stress much?

Saturday, November 5th, 2011: We get to the doctors and I am exhausted and just wanting to hear good news. I really wanted to give birth on 11-11-11 and was hoping that she would keep cooking until then and then I would get induced or have a csection on that day. That wasnt exactly what happened. The doctor checks me out and I am partially effaced and not really dilated at all. He decides he wants to induce me that Monday, the 7th. He calls Fountain Valley Hospital to schedule my induction for 5am that Monday. I am freaking out in my head, thinking, WAIT!!! That's way too soon! I still need to deep clean the house and get everything done before she is supposed to come home. Thankfully, the hospital is full up on inductions for that morning, so they push it to November 8th, at 5am, my actual due date.

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011: Bags have been packed for weeks now. Get up at 4am to get there by 5am. We get to the hospital and are put into a room. There are 3 csections and 2 regular births scheduled for that day. Lots of babies happening!

This is me about to get changed into my hospital gown.. Its actually happening!!

They get me set up and on the monitors and check to see if I am having contractions. I am having contractions, and have dilated to 2 cm and didnt know it. I guess even if I had tried to wait until the 11th, she was ready to come now. They get an IV drip in my arm and start the Pitocin. I am great for about 45 mins to an hour. Then I start to feel the contractions. Then they get a little bit worse.

Erik and I before the contractions started in. Happy to finally get to see our daughter!

The only problem at this point, is that there is only one anesthesiologist and 6 pregnant women about to give birth. Either I got my epidural early, at 3 cm, or I might not get it at all. Hmm, I wonder. So I got the epidural. The anesthesiologist was super nice and explained everything. She made Erik leave the room, because I guess most men cant handle seeing a huge needle go in their woman's spine. He left and got a snack. The numbing shots that I got before the epidural needle line was put in, stung so bad, it was almost worse than the childbirth itself. Once they start the Epidural line, I am grand. I cant stand anymore, so they have to put in a catheter. That was very uncomfortable for a while.. (side note: a student doctor did it and I ended up getting a bladder infection so bad that I had to go to the ER weeks later, when I woke up Erik from shaking with a fever of 102.)

At this point, I dont feel anything and I am super exhausted from getting up so early and not being able to sleep the night before. I take a nap for four hours. Erik tried to sleep, but the chair didnt make a good bed, poor guy. I wake up and I am still not feeling anything. So I play on my phone to pass the time. I think my family showed up around then. They couldnt come in though. They had to wait in the waiting room. All of them showed up together, coming from pretty far away. My two best friends also were there. A few hours pass and:

5pm: Doctor comes in to check my progress and I am ready to push. Fully effaced, dilated and crowning. The doctor runs home to get his gym bag, while the nurses move me into a delivery room and help me practice pushing. I start pushing as soon as he gets back. I swear hes only gone for like 5 mins. I push, and push and push and push some more. I push for 1.5 hours and nothing. They can see her head playing peekaboo with my pelvic bone. The nurse says oh my gosh, thats a lot of hair! I get excited, and push harder, but to no avail. The doctor decides to use a vaccuum on her to help her out. In the middle of all this, the epidural has worn off. I think it has something to do with the fact that legs were up in the stirrups for so long, that the blood flow wasnt bring the epidural where it should have been. It registers that I am starting to feel pain, but it isnt that bad and I for some reason think that this is normal. I find out later, that I shouldnt have felt anything. I push and the vacuum does its job and get her head past my pelvic bone. The only problem is that the pain is so severe that I am yelling and in tears. The doctor keeps telling me to push, but when I push it hurts. When I stop pushing it hurts. I am exhausted and kind of just lay there. I scream out "get this fucking baby out of me!!!" the doctor yells at me and tells me that I need to help get her out and push. A couple more pushes and she is finally out. The moment she is out, there is such sweet relief. The pain is gone and I have this beautiful daughter of mine laying in my lap getting cleaned off by nurses. I look down at her and then lay back and cry tears of relief and joy.

Welcome to the world Ember Rose Gray

So relieved!!!

Daddy cuts the cord.

Now the graphic part: I ripped from one end to the other. My doctor swears up and down that if you do not get an episiotomy and you rip, that you will heal better ripping than with an episiotomy. I dont know what kind of crack he is smoking, but either way, I ripped and it sucked. Especially getting the stiches, when I had no more epidural. The only good part about the epidural wearing off, was that I was able to get off the delivery bed and walk to the bathroom and to the bed where they measured and took Ember's birthweight.

Ember Rose Gray. Born November 8th, 2011 at 7:10pm. Weight 7.7lbs and 23 inches long.

Super long and skinny little baby!

It's amazing how much giving birth takes out of a woman.

Before they weighed her and took her measurements, they had us do skin to skin. Fountain Valley Hospital is a big believer in skin to skin bonding, and I very much enjoyed that moment.

Our perfect and new little family.

There is a lot more that happened that day, but I will continue in another blog and tell you about her experience in NICU and when she first met everyone. Then I will post another about all her firsts so far. If you got this far, congrats! You now know probably way more than you wanted to. LOL

37.5 weeks

Well, I have just started my maternity leave, as of the 17th. It's been pretty boring, but relaxing at the same time.
Erik and I have completed our birthing classes and pretty much know whats going to happen during the process and the afterwards. Its amazing how much I didn't know about all that I would have to do to take care of myself on top of Ember after I deliver. Its pretty damn high maintenance.
We are going to have to take at least one more class for infant care. Erik has never dealt with a newborn before and i just want to make sure he is prepared. I could definitely use a refresher course, too! I have been around babies my whole life, so I think I am mostly good to go, although, i cant just give her back when she starts crying. This one stays with us. Muah ha ha ha!

The nursery is done. The only thing that would make it complete would be a glider, but those damn things are so freaking expensive and its not a necessity to have it. Its so cute. This is her crib. I don't have pics of the whole room yet.

I am pretty much ready for her to come. Its going to be hard though cause Erik doesn't get any time off to stay home with me and help. He can stay with me at the hospital, but has to go back to work when I get discharged.
Other than the baby almost being here, not much to report.
We moved :)The place is amazing. Prolly the nicest place I have ever lived. I love it. Will prolly have a small BBQ sometime soon. We now live in an HOA complex, so we have to keep quiet for the most part. But that's part of why I love it here. It is SO quiet compared to our last apartments.

Anyways, I think I have reverted to rambling. must go to sleep. Good night all.